So my marriage is headed south. What kind of person talks about such things to the whole world? Well I've decided to. Why not? With all I've written over the years, if I was going to get all upset over what someone says about me I wouldn't have been able to stick with this website for so long.
I was originally going to be cute with the title of this and name it "Marriage, Rocks - (No Not 'Marriage Rocks!')", but it felt a little dopey, so I changed it.
Why is our marriage of 15+ years falling apart? It's sufficient enough to say that we just don't mesh anymore, neither in our goals or general outlook on life. So after being generally miserable and dwelling on this for quite a while I've decided to make a change. It really comes down to me because she's not the type to seek change and would rather stay in a miserable marriage for 60 more years than face the stigma or changes to daily life that divorce brings.
There's a lot of complexities involved. We have two kids, a shared history, intertwining finances etc etc... So how can you handle it all?
What are some of our differences? Well without trying to say that she's wrong on anything, it's just differences in our personalities, here's a few.
I want exploration, adventure, spontaneity and doing different and new things and she likes sticking with the same old thing.
I want to go to the opera at least once, she'd just complain about the weird singing.
I want to go hiking on a nice spring day, she doesn't like to walk an extra spot in a parking lot.
I find intellectual discussions about history intriguing, she would probably tell you that Napoleon is that ice cream with chocolate, strawberry and vanilla.
I find beauty in a sunset, she sees that it's getting dark and chilly.
I say "what if...?" it works, she says "what if..." it fails (and in her opinion it probably will).
She finds shopping as an enjoyable exercise... even window shopping, I find it a waste of time and a reminder of things I can't have - unless I have earmarked a specific amount of money to blow ahead of time. And on this point don't get me wrong. I don't mind window shopping occasionally, but every weekend?
I'm a saver, she's a spender, though I don't mind spending when it has been thought of ahead of time. There's nothing worse than to spend money you hadn't planned on spending and when you're going to bed that night thinking to yourself "what have I done?"
The Lying... OK I said I wouldn't make attack, but I can only take so much deception.
Reading through my bio should give you a clue of the type of guy I am. A dream chaser and risk taker and I'm never going to change. It's just the way I am.
Well, last night I finally sat down and just told her that I'm separating and going to file for divorce. I also mentioned that we can either get "pissy" at each other or we can sit and work it out so that we're both on the same page as far as what is going to occur so nobody is in the dark. I had thought things out for quite a few weeks though and had most of it worked out - splitting property, custody, etc - from my perspective. So I laid that on the table and asked her what she thought of it.
It didn't take long for things to go into that "who's fault is it?" mode though and I caught myself a few times. It doesn't really matter who's fault it is at this point. Is it really worth arguing about? I don't think so.
In reality this has been coming for years. It's basically been like living with a roommate and I need more than that from a relationship.
There's lots of things I'm worried about, the kids being the main one. How will they take daddy not being home? Will they turn into some delinquents or be able to cope? Will they hate me?
Then there's my worries...
There's the worry about making it on your own after so many years with someone. Will I turn into a miserable lonely wreck? I'm sure some would already say I've reached that point a long time ago, but being "lonely" in a house with other people is different from being lonely in an apartment all alone. Will I turn into that guy like in Taxi Driver, going insane and delusional? Silly thought, but that's the type of thing that I think of when I think of loner.
Will I be able to actually date someone? Will I find another woman some day or will I be some crotchety old man who's 70 and all alone? These are the things that pull on my mind when I think of it all and probably why I've stayed so long.
Will my wife be able to make it on her own? Hell, we don't mesh, but that doesn't mean I wish her ill.
I'm exhausted, that's all I know (this entry alone took me an hour and a half to write with all the thinking). I went to bed last night after our talk and woke up this morning and I haven't stopped yawning all morning. It's like I'm emotionally drained with it all. The kicker is that Thanksgiving is a few days away and the Christmas season and this is exactly the time I'm leaving. Not very much of a Christmas present for the kids...
I'll be moving out next month.
digger
I don't think there's ever a good time to divorce.
I was married for 16 years and separated from my husband not long after the holidays. At the time the older two kids said "what took you so long" while the two younger ones were a little shell-shocked.
Keep civility as your number one priority with your ex, and keep your kids as YOUR number one priority.
Get a lawyer. No matter how "friendly" you two are. Even if its one lawyer to look over stipulations between you and her. You wouldn't buy a house or business without expert legal advice, don't end a marriage without one.
Is there life after divorce?
Hell, yes.
I was a 42 y/o woman with 4 daughters under 16 who had spent the whole of 16 years of marriage as a fulltime wife, mom and community volunteer.
Now, ten years later, I've completed a college degree, successfully launched kidlets out of the house (youngest current sophmore in college) and remarried to a wonderful man I DO want to grow old with.
Hang in there, digger. All my best and warmest wishes to you.
Posted by: Darleen at
November 21, 2006 01:16 AM
