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SUV's Make You Stupid

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Well the headline is a statement, but the article is a question. Do SUVs Make You Stupid?
Registrations for the huge lumps of bulbous steel jumped 39 percent between 1997 and 2002, from 1.9 million to 2.75 million, and overall there's been a whopping 56 percent jump in sales of the beasts in a mere eight years across the country, totaling nearly 25 million of the ugly tanks now lumbering across the American landscape and hogging all the parking and burning up most of the oil and sneering in the face of air quality and all rational thought and flipping over and bursting into flame after hitting a pinecone at 80 mph.

You can see it in the eyes of most every new SUV buyer as they stare, wide eyed and overwhelmed, at the massive vehicles in the showroom: some sort of veil drops over their eyes, some sort of weird opiate pumps into their brains and they lose all sense of reason or common sense or environmental concern and their ego balloons and their testosterone kicks up three notches and they go into some sort of spasm of denial about how purchasing one of these things will, in fact, contribute quite heartily to the overall ill health of their own bodies and the planet as a whole, not to mention the very reason we are so desperately, violently at war.

I find them stupid for the most part myself. If you're not off-roading or camping or using them for something other than driving on pavement, get yourself something else.

Sure, you can get one if you want, it's a free country after all, but it's no longer cool. It's not the hip thing anymore. You won't be looked at as a success story or have people stare at you in awe.

There's 25 million out there now. You're just a fucking sheep like all the others now, not some cutting edge "look at me!" hipster who is at the top of your game.

I'm no environmentalist, I'm more of a reasonable person who simply doesn't understand the thrill of spending 50 a week in gas and $700 a month in car payments in order to "get the kids to school" or "pick up a few groceries". Spend that money on something more practical like a college fund for your kids or start a company. Get a car and that extra $3-$400 a month you'll save in monthly payments and lower insurance you could spend hiring a maid or putting towards a larger house that's more impressive than some stupid boxy vehicle that isn't impressive at all.

And then you learn how that little pip-squeak tyrant Saddam was sitting on 10 percent of the world's oil reserves and that he might have once thought about threatening the nearby 60 percent owned by our buddies the terrorist-lovin', women-slappin' Saudis, and you realize that anyone who thinks we're in Iraq for democracy or humanity's sake is absolutely full of Rumsfeld.
OK, so maybe that guy over at the San Francisco Chronicle is off his rocker, but his points on SUV's are spot on.

Enough of my ranting. Tell me why the hell you have an SUV, why you find it necessary and why I'm an Asshat for calling you shallow.

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Posted by Digger on January 11, 2005 09:28 AM (Permalink)

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Wow Digger! No one commented here. I guess they can't think of a reason why they have a SUV. Well, I have a Navigator. It sits 7. I need that since we have 6 in our family and there is at least one or two other kids with us at any given time. Is that a good enough reason? I use to have a minivan, but the gator is so much cooler. I just love it! If one can afford it, why not?? It is also very comfortable on road trips. I waited a long time to get the kind of car I wanted.
Does it help that I use it to deliver Meals On Wheels? ...;-)

Posted by: Rightwingsparkle on January 11, 2005 07:16 PM

Hmmm, lessee . . First, just like the Dog who licks his balls, I have one because "I CAN!" . .

Actually we own a Honda Prelude, A '34 Ford Street Rod (Blown, injected Chevy power), a Dodge Dakota long cab, and our SUV, a GMC Gimmy.

The Gimmy is the car we use to go when we both travel together, it's stable, safer than a small car, easy to get in and out of, and goes where you want to go . . when you want to. It gets about 22 MPG on the highway at highway speeds which is about the same as the street rod, and a little better than the Dodge. The Prelude is a neat "Little" car, fun to drive, pretty comfortable, but when you're a couple of geezers like us, you can't carry much luggage, so either the Gimmy or the '34 (it has a small trailer) is the choice . . other than that I can't think of a reason to have it.

Of course the '34 is waaayyyy more fun! but then that's another story.

Oh Yeah, I 'spose you'll be bemoaning the fact that an older couple has 4 cars when you can only drive one at a time . . Hey, it's nice to have a choice! . . . Back to the Dog . . .

Posted by: large on January 12, 2005 11:14 AM

It's just one of my pet peeves that people use an SUV as their commute vehicle. Sure, there's reasons to have an SUV, but that single guy who owns an Excursion as his one and only vehicle who never goes anywhere but to work and home just seems idiotic to me. Also people who don't know how to drive a big vehicle and continuously cut people off or drive up someone's tailpipe are annoying as well. Don't get me started on the $5,000 dollar sound system that they feel everyone in the neighborhood or driving next to needs to hear. They're so cool because they paid for something and can turn a knob.

I personally don't bemoan people who have multiple vehicles, as long as they aren't taking up all my parking space.

We all have our pet peeves and this one has consistantly been one of mine.

Posted by: Digger on January 12, 2005 12:04 PM

Well, I guess I have to agree with you there . . Nothing worse than an Asshole in a Big Yellow Hummer 2 swapping lanes like he was riding a dirt bike, with the gazillion dollar stereo pounding out something nobody else would want to hear . . at about twice the speed he ought to be going on an Icy Road . .

The lovely part is . . most of those people couldn't drive a nail, let alone anything that handles like a sick pig, often finishing the drive in an inverted position. And yes, for the most part, 98% of the big whale SUV's handle that way, they damned sure aren't sportscars! I've owned 2 Suburbans, a big and little Blazer, and several 4WD Pickups, never got one upside down (Lucky) and now feel the one the Wife and I use works for what we need it for.

Also I live in Colorado where we get a tad of the slick stuff now and then.

Posted by: large on January 12, 2005 03:13 PM

SUV's are great as long as you are going to use them for what they were intended to do, seat a lot of people in comfort or go offroad. Mmmm going offroad, got to love it. Anyway back to my point. If you have 6 people in your family a SUV would be nice to have as it can seat all those people comfortably and hey, its cooler than a minivan and its usually bigger! I'd certainly rather be seen in an Expedition, Durango or Escalade rather than a Freestar, Grand Caravan or a Venture, wouldn't you? But for all those idiots who when they have a baby and suddenly they have 3 people in their family and 'oh my gosh we need a Tahoe as our wee Taurus can't handle 3 people' I very much dislike you as you're just freaking dumbasses. A car would be great for those people. The people that most piss me off are those who have an SUV as a status symbol 'Look at me and my Escalade ESV (the Suburban-sized Escalade) and I'm single!' Those people are the biggest dumbasses and usually can't drive worth a damn. Just my $0.02.

Posted by: Koof on January 13, 2005 11:35 PM

Problem is that so many SUV drivers are so incredibly wasteful, rude, and irresponsible on the road that I cannot drive normal speed limits without these jerks on my tail or whizzing by at speeds exceeding the limits. I own an economical vehicle and I drive it conservatively to save gas.SUV drivers are not going to slow down because they waste so much gas it probably won't save them much. But that does not give them the right to drive recklessly. I am glad the price of gas has gone up, if anything it may reduce the number of these stupid vehicles on the road. SUV's raise the cost of gas for everyone since they are reducing supply. Get a real car folks!

Posted by: Roger on September 1, 2005 07:27 PM

A few hours ago, a stupid, clueless a**hole of a soccer mom backed onto my 2-day old Porsche at the gas station. What was she driving? A mountainous, gigantic SUV out of which she could not see %80 of the world around her. She came out, indifferently inspected her car, said: "oh, there's nothing on my car! your car is so low, if i had the armada i would have driven right over it." So my car is guilty for being "so low" and not this disgusting excuse of a human being who damaged something precious and close to my heart because she did not pay attention and because she had to drive a gigantic SUV. What if there was a child behind her mountain of a bumper? What if she had killed a little child? I hate, hate, HATE soccer moms and their SUVs! I hate them.

Posted by: does not matter on April 17, 2008 01:09 AM

I just went to the shops (Australia) and I nearly threw up!! There was about 10 SUVS within a 25 meter radius.
All with stupid mums living the delusion that their kids will be safer if they have an accident(fucking learn to drive) and so desperately trying to be the envy of all the other mothers down at the day-care centre.Never mind the fact that if mummy hits another car in that big piece of shit she will probably kill the occupants. Not to mention the excessive amount of fuel being used and the pollution to go with it!!

Posted by: John Connor on August 23, 2009 10:58 PM

Large SUV's suck, plain and simple. Yes some people need the size but MOST do not. I usually see one occupant, the driver in these ugly, in-your-face vehicles. They are clumsy, in the way and represent the epitome of unnecessary indulgence. I am sick of being tailgated and not being able to see around these towering things.

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